The Adventures of Jiraiya Icha Icha PostMortem
by Blade8821
Summary: Thank you for reading the latest issue of Icha Icha! Here, I will be writing the tales of both my adventures, and the things I have witnessed! This is basically a number of short stories, most of them unconnected, all of them funny. I will do everything I can to bring smiles to my readers. Please enjoy! Contains: Mature Content/Language The Grand Master of All Perverts, Jiraiya
1. Introducing Icha Icha PostMortem

**The Great Adventures of Jiraiya**

**Introduction**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. As the legendary sannin, I will voice my opinions and comments. Feel free to laugh as you will, and please share my hilariously witty one-liners. Just make sure the people you share them with BUY the book! I wrote it from the grave so please be nice enough to fulfill my last wish... Buy as many of my books as you can! Their value will only go up after my demise!

**This is, of course, a collection of lemons and funny tales. All of them are rated M, so do not go further if you are offended by such content, or if you do not like Naruto. If this is the case, then leave. Now. Get the hell out, you bigot bastards! This is real literature!**

Helloooooo Konoha! This, is the legendary pervert, the great Toad Sage Jiraiya speaking! I am here today to introduce my latest and greatest work, my autobiagraphy! How, you ask, am I writing this? As I clearly died fighting my former student. Well... You know how in all those Star Wars movies, owned by a certain George Lucas, of course, all the old Jedi (TM) masters who died suddenly become see-through ghosts? Well... Aparently, chakra works the same way. (At least, I think that's how it works... I ran into several of my old acquaintances... Which is why I am currently hiding in a bush while writing this)

Well, my demise aside, I bring to you, my well-loved audiance, the things I have witnessed before, and from beyond the grave. I will use their names, and I hope that are deeply embarassed by this. I pray that none of their companions will ever see them the same way ever again... Hahahahaha!

Speaking of which, the first embarassing tale I have for you, my beloved audiance, is the true reason one of my students died... In a lapse of stupidity, he told me his embarassing tale... One that I believe, is in a setting from which many men would wish to leave this world.

His name, was Yahiko. One of the founders of the original Akatsuki, and one of my three students of a time. Both he and Konan, the female of my trio of students, had fallen in love sometime after my departure. Of course, as they matured, their relationship grew, and they eventually consumated that relationship.

Now, in order for you to understand what I am about to tell you, you must know something about Konan. She was, er, is, a wonderful kunoichi. Her specialty was paper jutsu, and she had the ability to turn her entire body into paper. In the event I am about to explain, she unwittingly activated one of her jutsu, and a horrible accident ensued.

_Flashback no jutsu!_

_As they lay, Yahiko with a grin as big as his face, watched as the woman he loved with all his heart rose up on her knees, placing his manhood at the entrance to her center._

_Then she dropped, taking his entire length into herself. (Which... wasn't all that much. He was... Ahem. Slightly shorter than average)_

_"Ahhn... Yahiko..." She bounced, up and down, up and down. All the while, Yahiko groaned in pleasure._

_However... After a few minutes of this, (No more than five) Yahiko's moans turned to groans, as he suddenly felt that which no man should feel on that part of his anatomy. _

_"Agh... K-konan... Owowowow... That hurts!" She was lost in pleasure, striving for her orgasm. She was getting close, when she was brought out of her bliss by a shout, which turned into a half-hearted yelp._

_"P-p-p-papercut! Gaah...!" Yahiko's face was drained of color, and yet..._

_When Konan looked down, she saw that her body had become paper, like an origami figure. What she saw, shocked her more than anything else. _

_Her crotch, once the color of peach, was now dark, dark red... From the insides of her thighs to midway up to her bellybutton, her paper skin was stained the dark crimson of blood..._

_While he screamed in pain, Konan fainted, her mind unwilling to comprehend what had just happened._

_Needless to say, Yahiko died soon after from blood loss, and to this day, Konan still won't talk about it._

_End flashback_

Ahahahahahaha! What a maroon! Well, they're constantly going at it like rabbits here in the afterlife, so that's all that matters.I still make fun of them whenever I see 'em, saying something like, "Damn! Papercut!" and propceding to crab my cotch and run away, tears streaming down my face as I laugh like a crazy bastard.

Well, their kinks aside, back to one of my other funny stories.

Myself and Tsunade once pulled a hilarious prank on Orochimaru once...

_Snake that he was, Orochimaru is extremely adverse to low temperatures. And when it got too cold for him, he got real clingy. Well, when we, the sannin, had a mission to Yuni no Kuni, the land of snow, we decided to get back at him for being completely useless the last time we were here._

_Mind you, this was before Orochimaru came out of the closet, so at that time, he was also interested in Tsunade's... Assets. Her ass and tits, to be specific. While her mouth had such succulent lips, her tongue very tempting, it was sharper than my kunai, so it never paid to try hitting on her. Well, it did, but in punches and kicks. Usually with interest._

_Anyway, I digress. Moving on, we had been in the land of snow for three days, and by now, that snake was firmly planted on my back, bugging the piss outta me. Especially when he happened to notice Tsunade's firm, luscious ass swaying back and forth in front of us..._

_Well, regardless, when I felt something poking into my back, I dropped him into the snow and said, "If you're gonna do that, you're carrying me instead!" _

_Tsunade turned back, seeing Orochimaru in the snow, covering his crotch, Jiraiya looking pissed off and blushing, she came to one conclusion._

_Shaking her head, she called back, "Come on, boys. Let's set up camp before it gets any colder."_

-

_After we had set up camp, Orochimaru was huddling in the tent, shivvering and chattering his teeth loud enough to alert the missing-nin we were after. I was stoking the small fire we had, trying to keep the half-frozen embers from going out._

_"What happened earlier?" The blonde had sat next to the future grand master of all perverts, snuggling up close to him. Mostly for warmth. (Okay I lie. Entirely for warmth)_

_"That punk popped a boner on my back when I was carrying his dumb ass. He's always worthless whenever it's cold... Why'd we even bring him, anyway?" Tsunade rolled her eyes. Jiraiya had obviously been aroused at seeing her an uncoutable number of times. Usually she smacked him for it._

_"Because we're a team. Three sannin, remember?" _

_He harumphed. "Still gonna get him back for that... Outta dump snow in his shorts..." _

_Tsunade ignored his childish nature, and smiled. "C'mon, let's get to sleep before he freezes to death. You don't wanna have to carry him the whole time, right?" He grumbled, but complied. _

_During the night, they were arranged with Jiraiya on the left, Orochimaru in the middle, and Tsunade on the right, all of them facing to the right._

_asleep and searching for warmth, in the middle of the night, Orochimaru had inadvertantly started groping Tsunade. A crime that she reached over and smacked Jiraiya for._

_"Ow! Whadja wake me up for...?" Okay, now this was new. Tsunade saw Jiraiya rubbing his head. Coincidently, it was the place where she'd hit him. But she still felt two hands feeling up her tits._

_She fully turned over, and came face-to-face with a sleeping Orochimaru, who still had his arms around her. _

_In his sleep, he was violating her. Now, she was fully on board with Jiraiya. She looked at him..._

_Jiraiya was smirking. "Revenge?" She nodded. Covertly, they came up with a plan..._

_In the morning, Orochimaru was awakened by Tsunade. "Hey... Get up. c'mon, before that lunkhead wakes up..." She wispered, pulling him up. Getting up, he followed her outside the tent, and he couldn't place it, but there was something off..._

_He ignored it, the moment he saw her pull her top off. The further she got to revealing her gargantuan melons, the wider Orochimaru's eyes got. She her top was completely revealed, she got on all fours and crawled through the snow, inching closer and closer to him..._

_When she got there, she unzipped his pants with her teeth, and gave his length a lick. Giggling when he flinched, she said, "Take them off..." _

_No one could hold a candle to the speed at which a horny Orochimaru can undress in full heavy winter gear. (Well... No one except maybe a Horny Jiraiya) _

_He had stripped in record time, revealing his skinny, pale form. Chuckling, Tsunade turned around, bent over. She reached back, and grasped her cheeks. (You know which ones...) _

_Spreading them, she called back, "C'mere big boy... Show me what you've got."_

_Still inside the relatively warm confines of the tent, Jiraiya and Tsunade watched from the sidelines as a now naked and very horny Orochimaru dashed over, and started humping a heap of snow that was in the shape of someone's ass. (Like a waist-high pillar, that was slightly shaped like the hump of a woman that was bending over)_

_They giggled silently, as they watched their comrade fuck a lump of snow with the ferocity of a man that walked into a geisha house right after walking our of prison. While he worked, his teammates sat back and chuckled quietly._

_"How long till he notices?" Jiraiya wispered. "Right after he jizzes," Tsunade replied. She grinned, nice big and evil. "Bets on how much frostbite he gets...?" Jiraiya chuckled quietly. _

_"Thirty ryo says he gets permanent shrinkage." They both shared a stifled giggle, and then she said, "His balls are already bright blue... I thought that only came from holding back too long." After a short bout of laughter, they went back to observing._

_"How long's he been going at it...?" Tsunade looked at the small stopwatch. "Six minutes. From the way he's groaning, I bet he blows before the eighth." Jiraiya grinnined. "I'll take that and raise you ten. I say he finished before seven and a half." They nodded, and shook hands. They had just finished when,_

_"Augh... Cumming!" Orochimaru thrusted one more time, then shuddered..._

_After a moment, he stopped. He blinked. Once. Twice. Four times. Then he looked down..._

_The sound that came out of his mouth could be categorized by saying he screamed bloody murder, but that would be a dire understatement._

_Within five seconds, he had pulled out, looked at his junk, turned around, gathered up his clothes, than dashed into the tent. He spent five minutes gingerly massaging feeling back into his tiny cock._

_After he could get rudimentry feeling into it, he turned towards his teammates... _

_Who both lookedt at him in shock. "What the fuck were you doing, Orochimaru? Are you alright?" Tsunade looked shocked, not that it was real, anyhow, but it fooled him. _

_"Geeze... Those don't look so hot." Jiraiya said, barely keeping a straight face as he lightly pointed at Orochimaru's mangled dangly bits. _

_Tsunade examined them from a distance, but said, "There isn't much I can do for frostbite. It'll have to wait until we get back to the village. C'mon, let's find that missing-nin so we can get those looked at."_

_Jiraiya asked, "Why'd you do that, anyway?" _

_Orochimaru looked between his comrades... And whimpered. "Genjutsu... Ow... I don't want to talk about it..."_

_Once they had finished their mission and gotten Orochimaru back to the village hospital, the moment they were out of earshot..._

_"Bwahahahahahahaa!" They both laughed their hearts out. _

_"I-I think the nurse told him they'd have to amputate!" Jiraiya barely got that out, he was laughing so hard. Tsunade wasn't doing much better._

_"I had... heheheh... Them say that to fuck with him... Ahahahahaha!" _

_And so, they continued their laughter, right up until Orochimaru walked up to them. With a heating pouch firmly pressed against his nuts._

_"You two... Are despicable..." I think we made him angry... (He sounded just like Daffy Duck...)_

_And this, dear readers, is the real reason Orochimaru hates us and the village. I still call him snow-fucker when I can. After that little incident, he suddenly became interested in little boys..._

_End flashback_

There's nothing funnier than calling snakeman snow-fucker and holding up an ice pack. Then you kick him in the nuts and offer the ice pack to him. Oh, fucking hi-larious!

Well, dear readers, that's all I've got for now. Tune in next time for even more hilarious and sexy stories. My next tale will involve a certain special guest who has greatly helped me to gain more material and inspiration for many of my novels... How he can still see me is beyond my understanding. Well, it would explain why he's so creepy...

Wait... Pervert senses tingling... I sense... That my successor... Is getting some! I must go there and make a record of such events! If you will excuse me, I've got work to do. Jiraiya, Grand Master of All Perverts, out.


	2. Chp2 Kakashi's Weakness and Sleepyscrew

**The Great Adventures of Jiraiya**

**Icha Icha Post-Mortem**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. As the legendary sannin, I will voice my opinions and comments. Feel free to laugh as you will, and please share my hilariously witty one-liners. Just make sure the people you share them with BUY the book! I wrote it from the grave so please be nice enough to fulfill my last wish... Buy as many of my books as you can! Their value will only go up after my demise!

**This is, of course, a collection of lemons and funny tales. All of them are rated M, so do not go further if you are offended by such content, or if you do not like Naruto. If this is the case, then leave. Now. Get the hell out, you bigot bastards! This is real literature!**

Yessah! I am back for mooooore! Hahahaha! No one can match the stamina of Jiraiya, Grand Master of All Perverts! (Okay, maybe Naruto. Or Anko. But then again, no one can beat those sex freaks)

Anyway, I bring you more funny tales! This next one is from before anyone even thought I was in the village. Fools... This pervert is ALWAYS watching! Wherever there is an uncovered boob... A screwing couple... Or two fine, foxy ladies getting it on... I will be there! Making careful note of every single movement...

This one is for a long-running reader, fan, and customer. Not to mention, he's a damn good friend and drinking buddy. His name, is Kakashi Hatake! The cycloptic Jounin of Konohagakure. (The Leaf Village) Now, when I say this one is just for him... Of course, this tale includes him as the star. Without further ado, I give to you, his most embarassing moment!

_Flashback no jutsu!_

_Something that most people do not know, is that Kakashi is a severe homophobe. He is deathly afraid of gays. Now, in this instance, this was exploited. Heavily. _

_At some point in the past, when Kakashi had been forced to take a trio of genin to train, he was in the training field with them. He employed his standard 'Get the bells' bit, and when they all jumped back, one of them stood there._

_"I'm gonna take those bells!" The dumb kid ran forward, but instead of attacking, he seemed to vanish. _

_The white haired jounin was surprised by this. He looked around himself, and after a few moments, he heard something ruslting in some of the nearby bushes. _

_"Come out of there! I know where you're hiding." He called, and was shocked when Might Guy stepped out, wearing a green speedo, and walked over to him. _

_"Kakashi! My rival! How're you this fine day?" The 'Beautiful' Blue Beast of the leaf called, clapping Kakashi on the shoulder. _

_"Just fine, Guy. I'm training a few new students, but I could sue the distraction." He twitched, inconspicuously edging away from Guy, not enjoying close contact with others._

_"Really? Well, I've got just the thing!" Guy stepped closer. Kakashi subconsciencely moved slightly away. _

_"Really? What is it?" Kakashi asked, genuinely wondering what he had in mind. He just didn't want to be touched by Guy. Or any guy, for that matter. (Pun intended)_

_Guy then grinned, his big traditional Good-Guy grin where his teeth sparkled unnaturally._

_"A hug!" He then grabbed Kakashi in a bear hug, lifting him off the ground._

_"AH HA HA HA HA! Bromance is wonderful, isn't it?! Ah, the flames of youthful friendship!" Guy nearly shouted, his enthusiasm boilling over._

_Kakashi was freaking the fuck out. "Gah! Put me down, Guy! No! I'm not into guys! No..." He felt something rubbing against his leg. Coincidentally, it was where Guy's crotch was._

_"NOOOO!" Kakashi screamed, wriggling about, trying to get away from Guy._

_Meanwhile... _

_The punk kid who had stood still while his team scattered seemed unfazed. He tip-toed over, behind the screaming Kakashi, out of his field of view. He had a massive grin on his face, as he reached up and gently tugged the bells from his sensei's waist. _

_Once he had them, he backed away silently, then he grinned and gave Guy a thumbs-up._

_Guy saw the signal, and returned it, still holding Kakashi with the other arm. After the kid was gone and fully out of sight, Guy released his friend._

_Kakashi ducked away, dashing around the tree and hiding behind it, hyperventilating._

_"Aww.. What's wrong, Kakashi? You look a bit out of breath." Guy said, still grinning. _

_Kakashi was still scared shitless. 'Does he think I'm gay?! Is he hitting on me?! Or... Is he just being his regular, stupid self...?'_

_The copy ninja looked up, saw Guy grinning and chuckling, and said, "WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO THAT FOR?!" _

_Guy laughed, loud and heartily. "A genin told me he'd pay me fifty ryo, and reveal your greatest weakness, the only way I would ever defeat you, old friend. In exchange, I was to come here and grip you in a bear hug at a designated time, while wearing my swimsuit. He just so happened to grab those bells from your belt at the same time... It appears he was right... Your weakness is that you're afraid of gays! For shame, Kakashi." _

_Kakashi was stunned. That kid knew that he had homophobia? And he got my good friend, Guy to come here and distract him?! 'That punk... He will pay for this!'_

_Kakashi had flames in his eyes, intending to do to that child things that would make Ibiki scream... And Anko orgasm. (Hm. Off color, that)_

_While he stomped away, Guy stood there, shaking his head and chuckling. "I can't believe that... Now I know how to defeat you, Kakashi... Hm. I wonder what that child is doing now? And if he'll survive Kakashi's wrath.. Well, best of luck to him. Off I go!" Guy had been muttering to himself, then he gave a leap, dashing into the trees._

_Needless to say... Those three genin did not pass... One of them died, a horrible, retch-inducing death. His remains were so gruesome that Ibiki gagged, Hayate gained a persistant cough, and Anko was reprimanded for keeping her neighboors up late with her constant masturbating that night. (She's a screamer, obviously) Which Jiraiya happened to record and sell, placing a black bar over her eyes. _

_...And then the legend of the snake woman with the massive penis was born. And yet... He could not tear his eyes away. Some say that Hiruzen Sarutobi got his first boner in the last ten years... _

_End Flashback_

Ha ha ha! Well, that was the first tale of Kakashi. And by now, he's probably searching for a way to kill ghosts, so I better be careful...

Back to business. My next tale is of a certain heiress, a knuckleheaded idiot who passed out in the forest, and a bug-loving voyeur who has helped me greatly.

This occurred sometime shortly after Naruto and team 7 returned from wave country, escorting the bridge builder. I got extremely lucky that I met a very amicable Aburame, who decided to help me gather material if I provided him with free copies of my books. I was more than happy to comply with such a generous offer, and together, we have gained a massive amount of... Inspiration.

_Flashback no jutsu!_

_A mere few hours before the Aburame offered his services, Shino had been wandering around the forest of the training grounds, having finished his training for the day. He heard something... off, and decided to investigate. A chance to put his ninja training to use._

_He moved silently, following the sound. What he found, however, was... Unbelievable._

_From his spot in the trees, he saw none other than Hinata, his teammate, sitting on the ground with her back against a tree, masturbating. Fiercely. _

_Just in front of her, though, was a not-so-uncommon sight. Naruto, passed out from overexerting himself, was lying unconscience on the ground. Still dressed, mind you, so he had simply tired himself out from training._

_And Hinata had come along, probably been watching him for hours, and when he passed out, she took the chance to... Relieve some of her stress. _

_Knowing about the Hyuuga's bloodline, he didn't blame her.. As in the house of ther Hyuuga, everyone could see through walls, and she couldn't do that sort of thing while people were watching. In a sense, Shino supposed this sorta thing was relatively common, just the fact that no one had caught her yet._

_He surmised his option. '1; Walk away, pretend I saw nothing. 2; blackmail her and gain something... possibly become her method of stress-relief. 3; Tell others, possibly her parents.. Hell no. Kurenai-sensei, maybe. 4; Stick around for a free show...? Hell yes... That is obvious. What to do after, or besides... 5; Encourage her to do.. A little more than play with just herself.' Shino saw Hinata push her pants down to her ankles, and adjust herself. Shino blinked._

_'5 it is, then... Now, how to do this without her activating her byakugan...' Shino assessed what kind of insects he had. '...Aha. Dad once said it was used by kunoichi of our clan to seduce men.. He never clarified on if it had ever been used on him.' It was a small fly, one that secreted a hormone that caused arousal in men; ie, made them get a raging hard-on._

_He sent the small fly well over both Naruto and Hinata, andinto the tree directly above the sleeping blonde. It flew down, landing on his forehead. Shino considered himself lucky that Hinata had here eyes half closed, otherwise she would have seen it. By now, Shino was rubbing himself through his pants, debating whether he should enjoy himself or not._

_Within moments, the fly had moved directly under Naruto's nose, and started releasing the hormone. After a solid minute, Naruto was unwittingly brandinshing a sizable bulge, noticeable by both shinobi._

_Hinata's hand had stopped its ministrations when she noticed her Naruto getting an erection. 'Oh my... It's so big... Wait. D-does that means he can see me?!' She considered getting up and bolting out of there, but when Naruto didn't move for a solid minute, Hinata finished removing her pants and stood, walking cautiously over to him._

_'Ahh... She taking the bait. Good thing the fly had gotten out of there when it did...' Shino had removed his schlong, and strted rubbing slowly. 'Now.. What will you do, Hinata?' _

_Hinata had soon moved over to the sleeping form of Naruto, and knelt by his side. She reached a tentative hand out, shaking all the while, and touched Naruto's crotch. 'It's so warm... Even through his clothes... I wanna see it.. But...' _

_She looked hard at Naruto's face. She detected no movement, and decided to be.. bold. _

_The entire time she was over by Naruto, several of Shino's insects in the tree above them had been emitting hormones that raised the arousal of those who inhaled them. It was Shino's way of helping Hinata become bold enough to do as she wished to the boy she admired... Or just him wanting a free show. Depends on your perspective._

_Anyway, Hinata rubbed Naruto's length through his pants, then carefully, ever so carefully, hooked her fingers in the waist of his pants and gently pulled them down. She got them halfway down his thighs when he snorted, and shifted in his sleep. In the process, he scared Hinata half to death, her face closely resembling a tomato._

_When he still didn't jump up and call her a pervert after five minutes, she moved back over, and pulled his orange pants further down. Then were past his knees when she looked at his crotch..._

_She didn't bother removing them, instead Hinata undid the button and freed his cock from its confines, nearly smacking her in the face as it sprung free._

_Seeing his throbbing member, big as it was, the Hyuuga heiress was shocked. 'It's... huuuuuge...' She was awed. _

_At this time, Shino was cursing in his head. 'Grab it, whack it, suck it or fuck it already... Geeze, he's gonna wake up before you do anything at this rate...' He was getting impatient. Mostly because she'd stopped giving him a show and instead stared at another guy's junk. He didn't have to wait long._

_After her initial minute of shock, she reached out and touched the boy dick. It twitched at her touch, making her flinch. As she reprimanded herself for being such a chicken, she grabbed it._

_A little tighter than necessary, as Naruto moaned. Instead of rushing off, she started slowly stroking it, up and down. While doing so, she continued rubbing herself with her free hand. _

_'Here we go... Wonder how long that loudmouth is going to last...?' Shino thought, as he began rubbing his own ache once more._

_Within a few minutes, there was a clear fluid coming out of Naruto's shaft, and Hinata felt herself getting close to release. But she didn't want to finish off with her hand again... She looked at the blonde's throbbing cock. Then down at her own panty-covered crotch. She smiled, an obscene thought passing through her head. _

_After a few awkward moments of removing her underwear and positioning herself on top of Naruto without touching him, she grabbed his still-hard rod._

_'Holy fuck! She's going to fuck him while he's asleep?! Geeze... Who would have thought she was that kinky? Kiba'll be jealous when he smells her arousal.. And Naruto's jizz.' He grinned, a rare, creepy sight. 'Her husband is going to be one happy guy...' Shino thought, shaking his head with a silent chuckle._

_Hinata began to lower herself onto Naruto's shaft. It pressed against her nether lips, and with a quiet schlick, penetrated her. _

_Within moments, she felt his cock pressing against something inside of her, but she still felt half empty. Rising slightly, she lowered back down onto her lover's dick, a bit more forcefully. _

_This time, she felt her hymen stretch, and she winced from the slight pain. 'A bit more... And then...' Moving back up, she pressed herself down, intending to take his full length._

_Well, she got it. Her hymen tore, her eyes going wide and she lost her footing and sat on his lap fully. _

_In doing so, his entire trouser snake went inside of her, reaching her deepest parts._

_Seeing this, Shino's normally thin eyes widened, expecting her to yelp in pain at having her virginity taken. But she didn't let out even a whimper, remaining silent. 'She must be determined to finish... Hm. Wonder if he'll wake up before she does? And if that happens... What will they do...?'_

_She sucked in a breath, trying to endure the agony that she felt inside of her. 'W-what happened..? Did something tear?! Oh, nononononono...' She looked at Naruto, the corners of her eyes filling with tears. _

_He moaned softly, feeling a wet warmth engulfing him. But he did not wake, he wanted to enjoy his dream._

_Hinata observed the boy she loved, seeing his small smile. She waited, still feeling his length twitch every now and again. After a moment, she realised that the twitching was in time with his heartbeat. She continued to wait, until her crotch stopped throbbing with pain._

_After a few minutes, Hinata started moving. She slowly rose up, Naruto's cock sliding out, then when nothing more than the head was in, she slowly slid back down until she was sitting on his lap._

_She continued this, until she felt her orgasm rising. Then..._

_She continued doing that, then felt Naruto's dick twitch, hard. It did this a few more times, as she felt it get even bigger. While this happened, Hinata found herself on the brink of orgasm, when Naruto groaned... _

_He came, hard and a lot. His seed shot out of his throbbing meat rod, filling Hinata to the brim. When the second spurt fired, she orgasmed, and barely kept herself from screaming his name._

_Just as Shino finished up and put his appendage away, he saw them both orgasm. When they did, Hinata collapsed onto the still-sleeping blonde, a contented look on her face. She fell asleep within moments, both of them still connected at the crotch._

_Much as he wanted them to get together and find out how much each of them loves the other, he didn't want their first meeting to be Naruto waking up to find that Hinata had raped him in his sleep. So, Shino took it upon himself to move their unconscience forms so they wouldn't wake up in each other's arms._

_After redressing Hinata and placing her sitting against a tree in a comfortable post, he went back and decided to leave Naruto as is. But he was still shocked that the punk had completely filled Hinata the way he had. She was leaking so much he was sure she'd get pregnant..._

_After he'd made a few finishing touches, Shino left, an extremely rare contented smile on his face. Although, it was hidden by his jacket, so no one was the wiser. Besides his own father, that is._

_Hinata woke up, sitting up. Her crotch felt sore, but it was a good kind of ache. It meant she'd gained something, had worked muscles she had never before used. But she felt pleasantly full, and warm inside. As she stood up, she noticed something. _

_A note, that had been placed on her chest. She picked it up, and opened it. It read: _

_"Thank you, Hinata. I never knew you felt that way about me, and it does my heart good to know there's someone who admires me. I truly enjoyed our encounter, but please; Anytime you want my help, would you be so kind as to wake me up first? I would be more than happy to help in any way I can. With love- N.U."_

_Hinata fainted dead away for the second time that day, only to be carried away by a smirking Shino._

_Naruto woke up, to find his pants around his ankles and his cock out. "Huh...? Wah!" He quickly put his manhood away, and stood, pulling his trousers up. He noticed a noteland in front of him. "Huh...? What's this?" He picked it up, and flipped it open. _

_"Dearest Naruto: That wasn't a dream. Thank you so much for your help, and for the confidance to pursue the man I admire. With love, H.H." _

_Naruto stood there, scratching his head. "H.H...? Who the hell's that...? Wait. If that wasn't a dream..." His eyes widened. "Yessah! I just got laid! Dattebayo!" He shouted, jumping into the air._

_At this time, Jiraiya's ears perked up. "I sense... That something good has happened." Jiraiya nearly blew his cover, but he regained his composure as a sculpture in a women-only hot spring. No one noticed the slight change to the statue; It got a boner._

_End flashback_

And that, my friends, is how I first met Shino Aburame. He showed me a video of such... Passionate young love, and I agreed to have him gather material while I wrote my books for his entertainment.

Anyway, that is also how Naruto lost his virginity. But he could never figure out who H.H. was... Not until he had started dating Hinata, anyway. Dumb ass student of mine...

That is also the real reason Kiba dislikes Naruto, but he could never prove that they slept together. Neji had his suspicions, but they were never confirmed. I wonder... Are all shinobi this stupid?!

Well, that's all I have for now. By the way... That last story occurred before the chuunin exams. Horny kids these days... As Guy would say, the power of youth... It stains the sheets and causes ankle biters.

In the immortal words of Shino, "I didn't make her rape him... I simply allowed her the confidence to do what she already wanted... And I never heard Naruto complain, not once. How do I know this? He was asleep." Yeah... What a punk. But he's not bad. Just creepy. There's a difference.


	3. Chp 3 Cameo Appearance 1

**The Great Adventures of Jiraiya**

**Icha Icha Post-Mortem**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. As the legendary sannin, I will voice my opinions and comments. Feel free to laugh as you will, and please share my hilariously witty one-liners. Just make sure the people you share them with BUY the book! I wrote it from the grave so please be nice enough to fulfill my last wish... Buy as many of my books as you can! Their value will only go up after my demise!

**This is, of course, a collection of lemons and funny tales. All of them are rated M, so do not go further if you are offended by such content, or if you do not like Naruto. If this is the case, then leave. Now. Get the hell out, you bigot bastards! This is real literature!**

Once again, the Legendary Super-Pervert Jiraiya rides again! Or, is ridden again. Haha! Well, regardless, my next one won't have any under-aged kids screwing one another. I think...

Heheheh. Anyway, you all must love me. Here I am, already dead and still working my perverted ass off to bring you not one, not two, but THREE chapters in a single night! For me, that translates to being able to fuck five babes in a row. Five! But no, here I sit, typing more of my observations for my dedicated audiance.

My over-inflated ego aside, I have for you my next tale of wonder and awe.

_Flashback no jutsu!_

_So... There I was, standing over the fresh grave of my old friend and sensei, Hiruzen Sarutobi. There were countless dozens of shinobi who had gathered, wearing the black attire of those in mourning. _

_Only myself was there now, and I saw something from the corner of my eye. Anko Mitarashi, the sadistic kunoichi, standing there with tears in her eyes. Next to her was a man I had never before seen. (Next 5 paragraphs are a description of the mystery shinobi. Has several important points, but nothing of dire consequence)_

_He was tall, muscular, and wore a mask similar to Kakashi's that covered his face. He had long, silver-white hair that came just past his shoulders. He wore a bandana forehead protector that was black, and seemed to be wearing his standard battle outfit. Oddly enough... The symbol on it was not that of the leaf, but of Kiragakure... 'What is a hidden mist shinobi doing here...? And at the funeral of the Hokage, no less.' _

_The bandana was tilted, covering his right eye. In fact, he was mighty similar to Kakashi in the way he stood there. I would have pegged him as the jounin's younger brother, if not for his left eye. It had the clear, monotone color of the hyuuga's byakugan._

_Although his clothes were black and fit the mood, it was definately the attire of a battle-hardened warrior. It consisted of a chestplate that was black as moonless midnight, made of some sort of ebony metal. It looked as if it would be cold to the touch, no matter how how the climate._

_On his left shoulder was a large pauldron, made of the same metal. It covered his shoulder and upper left arm, whereas he had a gauntlet that covered the rest. His right shoulder was covered in black cloth, a silk-like material, that seemed to try to evade the eye. His legs were covered in loose-fitting trousers made of the same material, with plated boots that came up to his shins. _

_There was a cloak or mantle that adorned his shoulders, and hid his right arm from view. The inside of it was dark green, showing that he was used to hiding in the forest. On his back was a massive sword, if you could call it that. It looked more like a massive hunk of metal with a sinlg edge, and a tanto-like point. It looked to be made of a black and red metal... It emanated an aura of death. I didn't want to go anywhere near it._

_The man turned his head, and saw Anko nearly crying. He pulled his arm up and placed it around her shoulders, pulling her close to him. I half expected her to slap him or shout, but instead she turned and hugged him, her discipline and resolve breaking. _

_No one said a word as the procedings carried on, ignoring Anko as she silently sobbed against the mysterious ninja. I knew she had been close to the third, him having helped her greatly when Orochimaru defected._

_But that man... Who was he? I never saw him before... And he doesn't look to be an agent of Akatsuki. Furthermore, Anko the sadistic is holding onto him for comfort? 'I must remember to ask Kakashi and the other jounin who he is...'_

_As the funeral came to a close, there were fewer, and fewer peop[le standing vigil. Myself, Asuma, Kurenai, Ebisu, Anko, Konohamaru, and the mystery man. He was probably there for Anko's sake, though..._

_Then, something odd happened. The unknown shinobi patted Anko's shoulder reassuringly, (At least I think) then he stepped forward, and walked right up the the Hokage's memorial, the front table._

_He reached back, and pulled the massive sword from his back. How he lifted such a monster of a weapon was beyond me, as it looked far heavier than any of the weapons of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist. _

_Regardless, he pulled it from his back, flipped it, and placed the point on the ground. Then he knelt, keeping one hand on the weapon's hilt. His left knee was on the ground, his left arm bent across his chest in the pose of one swearing fealty, or offering prayer._

_He inclined his head forward, and started saying something. It was quiet, and the rest of us barely caught it. I saw Asuma stiffen, not knowing what the man was saying. Ebisu's hand twitch to his thigh, instinctively reaching for a weapon. _

_The man continued, as if oblivious to everything going on around him. He still spoke softly, in a foreign tongue that even I, the Toad Sage, couldn't place. After a few more moments, some of the others become noticeably edgy, tense. _

_When the man's sword started to glow a dark light, that's what did it. Asuma and Ebisu both dashed forward, thinking he was doing something to desecrate Hiruzen's grave. _

_It was only Anko's quick reaction that kept those two from attacking. She moved forward, faster than I imagined possible. She stood between the three men, the Mist ninja still chanting quietly. _

_No one said a thing, so I walked over and placed a hand on both Asuma and Ebisu's shoulders. "He hasn't done anything wrong. Leave him be." They both looked at me tensely, but nodded after a moment._

_They returned to their places, still glaring at the mystery shinobi. After another few minutes, Anko kneeling next to the man, he stopped. He looked up, then shifted his zanbato. (Massive sword)_

_Once it was directly in front of him, still touching the ground by its point, he reached his left hand up and grasped the hilt. Then he said something in the same foreign dialect. After a moment, he looked annoyed, and repeated it, louder. _

_Now he looked sardonic. He cleared his throat, then made a handsign with his left hand only. The others tensed, Asuma especially._

_The then repeated what he'd said, only this time, it echoed, from nowhere, and yet from everywhere. It shook all of us to the core of our beings, and seemed to reverberate off of our very souls. Well... That's putting it poetically. It was really unnerving, to say the least._

_After a solid minute, the man looked up once more, and when we looked up, we saw what he was doing. Above the memorial, was a small circle of constantly rotating chakra, of different colors. _

_The man tensed, then said something in that same language, in the same way he had a moment ago. Then the circle expanded, to the size of... well, roughly fifteen feet across, eight feet in the air. _

_After a few moments, something happened. An image formed within the circle. Or rather, it solidified. After another few minutes, it became clear. It was..._

_The face of Hiruzen Sarutobi, and he looked surprised. His head looked left, then right, then down at the man who had caused it. Then he said something._

_The man nodded, then made a few handsigns with his left hand. Then Hiruzen said something. _

_"Can you all understand me?" This was greeted with looks of shock, awe, and annoyance. "What the hell is this?!" Ebisu yelled, glaring at the man. He replied, "A forbidden jutsu that temprarily recalls the souls of the lost, the dead, and the damned."_

_Hiruzen looked down. "Which one am I, then? I remember using the-"_

_"Reaper Death Seal, yes, yes, I know. I can still call upon your soul as it is considered lost or damned, not destroyed. But just so all of you know, this is very draining to use, and since you did use that seal, it is even more exhausting to maintain the connection. So, if you could all please hurry the fuck up and ask or tell the Third Hokage whatever it is you didn't get the chance to tell him before his death, I would greatly appreciate it."_

_The man was... Well, sardonic is one word. Sarcastic, an ass, and of course, most likely an asshole. But he was willing to do this... Even I could see the strain it's putting on him. He must have vast reserves of chakra to keep up a technique like this for more than a minute or two._

_Konohamaru stepped up first. "Gramps... Is that you...?" Sarutobi looked at his grandson, and smiled. "Yes. I'm fine, just in a different place now." _

_The kid looked up and beamed, tears streaming down his face. "Grandad... I'm so sorry... I never got the chance to apologise for everything I did..." _

_Sarutobi smiled once more. "You don't have to, Konohamaru. I, too, was once a child. Children make mistakes, but that is how they learn. You're already growing into a wonderful ninja. My only regret is not seeing you grow to become an adult." _

_Konohamaru smiled, wiping the tears from his face. Asuma stepped up. "Dad... I wanted to tell you that you were right all along. And That I was a fool for not seeing it."_

_Hiruzen smiled once more. "You learned from it, didn't you? And you did come to your senses. That's what matters." Asuma smirked and nodded. Kurenai remained silent, having no other concerns, aparently. _

_The old Hokage looked at Anko. "Anko.. Are you doing alright?" The jounin looked up, tears in her eyes, a smile on her face._

_"I am, Hokage-sama. Thank you... for everything." Hiruzen smiled, then said, "Thank you.. all of you. It does my heart good to see that the will of fire has been passed to the next generation." The image blurred, and went static-y for a moment, then returned to normal._

_"Hm? What's...?" The Third Hokage looked down, and saw the mystery shinobi. He was panting slightly, sweat covering his face and soaking his mask. "I can't keep this up for much longer... You got another minute and a half, tops... Say your peace and be done... No speeches, old man..." He smirked, chuckling softly despite the trickle of blood that came out of his mouth. 'Just how much stress is this putting on him...?' _

_I stepped up. "Sensei." Sarutobi looked at me.. "I don't suppose Tsunade or Orochimaru are coming, huh...?" _

_I shook my head. "No... If Orochimaru showed up, we'd've buried him right next to you. And Tsunade... I haven't heard from her in many a year. I'm sorry I didn't try to help you against Orochimaru... That was my stupidity. That aside... It's good to see you again, Sarutobi-Sensei. If you see Minato, tell him I said hi." _

_Hiruzen grinned, "Well, if you run into Tsunade, give her a kiss for me. And don't worry about Orochimaru. He's no longer a threat to anyone. I'll give him your regards, but he's still more worried about Naruto and Kushina at this point." Once more, the image started going fuzzy, and the others noticed the mist nin's condition._

_He had blood flowing freely from his mouth, dripping off his chin and onto his leg. His breath was coming in ragged pants, but they were far slower than earlier. He turned his head, and said, "Not like I'm dying or anything over here... Get on with it! Say your goodbyes or whatever... Ugh... Nngh!" He grit his teeth, his visible eye squinting at the pain._

_The image became clear once more, and Hiruzen looked at him concernedly. "I've nothing more, and no regrets. I'm proud of each and every one of you, and that the village is safe is more than enough to keep me happy. You'd better cut the connection before you injure yourself permanently, Blade. Goodbye, everyone. I'd better never see any of you in any less than fifty years! You hear me?! Or else I'll-!" The image suddenly cut out, and the cicle of chakra shrunk until it vanished. _

_The mist nin collapsed backward, the blade of his sword sinking into the ground a few inches. He draped his arm over his knee, and closed his eye, still panting. Anko rushed over to him, kneeling at his side and pulling his left arm over her shoulder._

_"C'mon, Blade... You okay? Can you stand?" Jiraiya had never seen Anko that concerned over someone before, although he hadn't been in the village for a good while. He walked over, and knelt. "Should I go and fetch a med-nin?" _

_The guy looked up, opening his eye. "Nah... I just need a drink... Or three... A smoke, too, while you're at it." Jiraiya's eye twitched. Asuma walked over, pulling an unopened pack of cigarettes from his pocket. He handed them to the guy, Blade, as Anko called him._

_"I don't have a lighter." Asuma said, as Anko helped the guy stand up. He then leaned on his sword, which sunk into the ground another inch. "S'fine... " He flicked the pack, and put one of the sticks to his lips. (Which were still covered in blood, as he hadn't bothered to wipe it off) _

_Once he had one, he placed the pack in his pocket and made a seal with his left hand. Then he snapped his fingers a few times. After five or six time, a small flame was dancing on the tip of his thumb. He lit up, took a hit, then breathed out a ring of smoke._

_"Thaaat's the stuff... Don't suppose one'a you could magic up a jug'a sake?" At their blank stares, he said, "Figures. Well, my job's done. I need a nap..." He started ambling away, using his sword and Anko both as a pair of crutches. _

_Once he was a good distance away, I said, "Well... That was... Eventfull. Any of you know him?" Asuma shook his head, but Kurenai nodded. "Yes. He's a freelance shinobi who's been with the leaf for a few years now... Why he still wears the symbol of Kiragakure, I don't know. The third trusted him, even though he never gave his real name." Huh. _

_"Well, he risked his life just now. Whatever technique he used, it nearly killed him. He still might croak, given the amount of blood on the ground." I observed, seeing a moderate-sized puddle where he'd been kneeling._

_"Well, I've got things to do. I'll see you all later," I called back, as I walked away. _

_'Hmm... Whoever he is, he posesses a massive reservoire of chakra. Not to mention that weapon... It seems safe to say it wasn't an ordinary sword.' As I made my way down the street, I noticed something. Anko, and the Blade character, sitting at Ichiraku's. _

_'Well... This sould be interesting.' I used the old technique Hiruzen had taught me, a method for observing others unnoticed._

_They were sitting there, eating. The man already had four empty bowls in front of him, halfway through his fifth. There were a few napkins soaked rad next to him, and his face was clear of blood. _

_As they ate, I noticed Anko was paying more attention to him than the seemingly-untouched bowl in front of her. 'Wonder who's getting lucky tonight...?' _

_While I observed quietly, I saw Shino walking down the road. I decided to spy on the lovely couple for awhile longer than necessary..._

_I pulled Shino aside, and said, "See those two at Ichiraku's?" He looked over, then nodded. "Anko-sensei. A jounin of the leaf, and Blade, a ninja who's been residing in the leaf for roughly four years. He claims to be from Kiragakure, although there is no record of him How do I know this? I asked Kurenai-Sensei to do a background check on him when I found him training Hinata."_

_I nodded, understanding wanting to know who was helping a teammate. "Well, I want you to send a few insects to observe them tonight. I get the feeling that she's the kinky type, and from what I've seen, he has vast reserves of stamina. Should provide excellant material for my work." _

_Shino nodded, then left. Once that was done, I went back to observing the two of them._

_The guy was funny, but he had a crude, dark sense of humor. He was fairly perverted, as well as charismatic. He was tall, strong, and tough. Intelligent, too, from their conversation. His grasp of international politics was astounding. I could think of no woman alive who could resist such charms. Well... One._

_Regardless. As their conversation continued, he finished his sixth bowl of ramen and placed it on the stack, then reached into his cloak and fished out a wallet. He placed enough money for both of their meals, (Plus a very generous tip) then he stood up and offered Anko his arm._

_Once she was up, they went on their way. I stealthily followed..._

_"Hey Pervy-sage, what're you doing?" Naruto practically shouted, blowing my cover and attracting unwanted attention, of course. I spun around, and grinned. _

_"Naruto! My favorite apprentice! What're you doing out so late?" Inwardly, I wanted to smack him. "Late? It's only nine o'clock. What were you doing just now?" _

_I came up with a Kakashi-level excuse. "I was, ah... Picking up a ryo I dropped, of course! You know, every little bit helps!" I continued like this until everyone had stopped staring, and had gotten Naruto off on another tangent. He ran off just like Minato used to..._

_Dumbass. _

_I went back to start tailling the two lovebirds again, and found that they were gone. 'Damn!' _

_I walked up to the next corner, and when I went around I walked right into..._

_Blade. Standing there with his arms crossed over his chest, tapping his foot. 'Oh, shit.'_

_"There a reason the Legendary Pervert is following me? I'd kinda like to get it outta the way, I got stuff to do." 'You mean people. Specifically, a purple-haired kunoichi who's probably back at her house getting ready for the event right now...' _

_I didn't voice that, of course. But I pulled an Obito-level excuse outta my ass that I'd readied just in case he was the one to catch me. "Well, I wanted to ask you what that technique was." _

_He blinked. "Hm? You mean Otherworldly Telegronic Communion?" I nodded, just for shits and giggles. _

_"Well, it's pretty much a high-level space/time jutsu that opens a wormhole from our dimension to that of another, be it the one of the dead, the damned, or a random one some poor schmuck got sucked into. Get it good enough, and you can pull objects through it. However, no one has the sheer chakra reserves for such a feat. It would take three or more of the bijuu to pull a single person through it, anything bigger would be nearly impossible."_

_I nodded, taking that in. 'A technique for instant long-distance communication across dimensions? Ooookay...' _

_"It was originally designed for instantaneous matter transfer, but they mucked up and wound up with a method with communcating with the dead. Still useful. Anything else?" _

_I grinned, hoping he'd understand what I was getting at. "The jutsu you used to get your message across the void.. What was that?" Blade's eye widened, surprised that I'd understood it. _

_"Huh. I call it Will of God. It's basically infusing your vocal cords with chakra, then trying to spread your chakra out a good distance. The thinner you get it, the better. Combine it with genjutsu, or using it at the right time, can make or break a battle between armies."_

_He made a handsign, indicating that it was simply a focal point. Then he spoke. "__**Get on your knees and tell me you love me...**__" He said, using his jutsu. People all around us suddenly looked up at the sky, mouths agape. Then they got on their knees and started shouting that they love kami._

_I laughed my ass off. "Now you're talkin! I knew you'd be using that more for fun that for practical use!" He grinned, then said, "I do. It's excellant for scaring the living shit out of new genin. I once made a Kage retreat with his tail between his legs." _

_I laughed even harder, then said, "Okayokay, lemme try that..." I did as he did, and tried to form an umbrella with my chakra, making it as thin as possible and spreading it out as far as I could. _

_"__**All women... Remove your tops right now! Immediately!**__"_

_When I saw several women nearby start taking their shirts off, with a look of fear across their faces, I busted out laughing. "This is perfect! I can think of hundreds of ways to prank Naruto with this..." _

_Blade grinned, (He seemed to. I couldn't see his face. Oddly enough... I couldn't see it when he ate, either. Now that I think about it...) he said, "Well, have fun. I've got a beautiful woman waiting on me, and I don't wanna be late. I'll see you around, Grand Master of All Perverts." He said, turning and walking away, hands in pockets. _

_He turned back. "Oh yeah. Gimme a heads-up when you put out your next Icha Icha book. Kakashi's not the only fan in the leaf." Then he continued on, not looking back..._

_That man... Is a genius! This new jutsu, Will of God, is amazing. I can't wait to scare Naruto with it... Wait. I'm forgetting something..._

_Yes! Myself and Shino are going to be spying on Blade and Anko while they're screwing! I must go and find Shino. _

_After finding my favorite bug-loving pervert, I asked what he'd found so far. (just because I found this amusaing, I had originally written "found so fart" and I didn't notice until I went back through for proof reading. That's what I get for writing with my left hand while eating a sandwich with my right. And yes... It was a Jill sanwich. Ahahahaha, Barry pun intended. That was, too.)_

_He reported that his bugs had found Anko rushing about her house, a small flat that had a large basement, which was locked. Oddly enough, her bed was round. There wasn't a mirror above it, but still. There were heart-shaped pillows all over it._

_Anko was currently running around her house, completely naked, trying to find candles and other romantic items. (Lube; condoms, which she shoved into the bottom of the trash; dildos; lingerie; handcuffs; whips; cock-shaped candy; energy drinks, and various pieces of S&M gear. She settled on lighting a few scented candles around the house, putting some energy drinks and a bottle of lube on the nightstand, then laying across the bed in a provocative pose) _

_After waiting for roughly fourty minutes, Anko fell asleep. I was laughing my ass off while Shino merely smirked. _

_Not ten minutes after she dozed off, Blade walked in. As he went, from what we could see, he blew out the candles he passed, muttering, "Moron... Gonna catch the house on fire..." He paused. Then said, slightly louder, "And you're gonna have the neighbors complaining again with your loud-ass snoring..." He sighed. _

_"What ever did I do to deserve-" He came full-stop, standing in the doorway to the bedroom. Staring at her naked, snoring form. She was still in her pose, althought her head was now lolling against her hand and there was a trail of drool from the corner of her mouth._

_He blinked. Once, twice, again. "... So what'd I do to deserve this again...? " He muttered, chuckling softly. Walking over to her, he gently shook the sleeping jounin's shoulder._

_"Anko... Anko... Hey..." He said quietly, shaking her shoulder. After that didn't work, he tried again. "Anko... Anko. Mitarashi. Hey... Hey. Oy. Oy! Wake the fuck up!"_

_That last bit got her. She stirred in her sleep... Then lashed a fist out, catching him right on the chin._

_"Ooh... Right on the chin..." Shino turned to him, and held out his hand. "What, right now?" Jiraiya asked, staring at the outstretched hand like he'd offered him a handfull of shit._

_"Yes, now. Pay up. Why, you ask? Because you bet me ten on ryo whether or not Anko would strike him first when she woke up."_

_Jiraiya gumbled, but pulled the money out of his pocket. Shino put it in his pouch and turned back to the screen._

_"Gaah... What was that for?" Blade said, as he picked himself up. _

_"Oh! Sorry! It was a reflex..." She said, trying not to blush. Or laugh, as the case may be. _

_"Reflex my ass... Y'know if you leave candles lit unattended, you're gonna catch the house on fire. How long've you been sitting like that, anyway?" _

_"Uhh... Not long." She grinned bashfully._

_"... Long enough for you to fall asleep. Eh, you do know you're drooling, right?"_

_Within half a second, she had reached up, wiped the spit off of her face, and shifted back into her provocative pose._

_"I got it! Now... Are you just gonna stand there, or are you gonna join me...?" Her voice went from embarassed and teen-like, to sultry and sexy, the voice of an older woman. Of a seductress. _

_Blade raised an eyebrow. "Sure... Think I'm a little under-dressed, though." He seemed to smirk. _

_Anko did the same. "More like over-dressed... C'mere..."_

_As he moved closer, wrapping his arms around her as he did so, she said, "And lose that mask... You look better without it." He smirked, eye crinkling in amusement._

I'm sorry dear readers, but that is all I've got time for tonight. Tune in next time for the actual lemon, and something... Other, than filler information for a single tale.

But don't worry, this guy is gonna fuck Anko's brains out in the next chapter. You can bet your balls on it! Also, this Blade guy, he will be the star of... A different fic that I will be writing. He's here as a cameo appearance, and to foreshadow things that he'll be doing. Namely, Anko. (Hahahaha, pun) Anyway, next chapter will have the actual lemon of this story, as well as another funny tale.

Once this story, which is centered on Anko, is done, neither of them will be appearing again in this fic. They'll be too busy screwing like rabbits.

I'm very sorry I can't stay up to finish this, but I don't want to upload more than 10K words per chapter. Plus, there's something and someone I need to do... It's this miraculously thing called SLEEP! And I don't get to do her very often, so I'm going to go do her now. If you'll excuse me... My pants are already off.

Yes, I write with no pants. You got a problem with that?

Oh, and don't worry. I'll still be working on Waking Death, but now I've got two things I can work on when I hit a block in one of them. So adios, so long, **get the fuck out!**


	4. Chp 4 Cameo appearance 2 Sakura and Emo

**The Great Adventures of Jiraiya**

**Icha Icha Post-Mortem**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. As the legendary sannin, I will voice my opinions and comments. Feel free to laugh as you will, and please share my hilariously witty one-liners. Just make sure the people you share them with BUY the book! I wrote it from the grave so please be nice enough to fulfill my last wish... Buy as many of my books as you can! Their value will only go up after my demise!

**This is, of course, a collection of lemons and funny tales. All of them are rated M, so do not go further if you are offended by such content, or if you do not like Naruto. If this is the case, then leave. Now. Get the hell out, you bigot bastards! This is real literature! My own little orange book!**

Tora Tora Tora! I am back! Finally... Well, I got lost on the road of life, and... Ahahahaha! I just can't pull off the lame excuses like good ole cyclops. Anyway, I am now continuing with the lemon between Anko and the mystery mist-nin. The others call him Blade, which is a fitting name... Considering the massive sword on his back. He stank of blood... Lots of it. Just who is he?

_Flashback continuation jutsu!_

_Jiraiya and Shino continued to watch, as the mist nin fondled Anko. "Huh... He's skilled." Shino nodded, his face unreadable. _

_Blade continued massaging Anko's breasts while she rubbed the bulge in the front of his trousers. _

_"Getting excited, are we?" She said, with a smirk and raised eyebrow._

_"Like you do at the sight of blood." He replied, before shifting one of his hands to her crotch. She moaned, saying, "Oh, yeah... Right there... Yeah... Ahh..."_

_"Huh. Is he an ero-nin?" Shino just shrugged, his eyes never leaving ther screen. He did, however, turn and give Jiraiya a questioning look when he heard a crunching sound. The sannin was munching on popcorn, still staring at the screen. He looked at Shino. "What?" _

_"...Are you a sannin, or an Akimichi?" Jiraiya grinned. _

_"Did you want some?" Shino neglected to answer, but took a few pieces._

_Going back to our loving couple..._

_Anko got off three times to his fingers, before collapsing backward and leveling a look at Blade. _

_"Clothes off. Fuck me. Now!" She commanded, and he simply smirked and shook his head._

_He stripped, quickly and efficiently._

_Jiraiya blinked. "Holy shit... I've never seen someone get that much armor off that fast. He's nearly as fast as I am!" The Aburame said nothing, but blinked._

_He was naked (Save for facemask and bandana) within seconds. His entire body was covered in scars. They'd been wrong in how they had measured him. He wasn't six foot one, he was 6'4. He slouched normally to make himself seem smaller. Tall, muscular, broad-shouldered, bull-necked, and..._

_Hung like a fucking horse. Anko blinked. Once, twice. Three times. Then she dived forward and latched her lips onto his woody like a starving man does to a three-course-meal._

_And she worked it like a pro, taking ten of his thirteen inches down her throat. She continued doing this, while he reached and stroked the side of her face. Despite his size and strength, he was amazingly gentle._

_"Well... This was unexpected." Shino was still calm, even though he was seeing a man who had what appeared to be a third leg for a dick. Jiraiya was impressed that Anko was able to fit that much of him down her throat. He was sure she had dislocated her jaw to do so. He couldn't wait to see how much she could get past her other lips._

_While he busied himself taking notes, Anko had kept blowing the guy for a solid fifteen minutes, until..._

_"Anko... I'm going to cum..." At his words, she doubled her pace. Her jaw was sore, but she wanted his first shot down her throat. She maintained her new speed for forty seconds, then... _

_"Ngh...!" He came. And there was a lot of it. The first spurt went straight down her throat. The second filled her mouth. She had to struggle for the third and fourth. The fifth leaked out slightly... While the sixth exploded past her lips. She pulled back, gulping down what she could. _

_But there seemed to be no end. The next salvo shot out, splashing across her face, the next on her tits, and the last one landed on her belly. While she coughed and sputtered, panting. He was breathing raggedly, but kept stroking her face, his cock still throbbing._

_Jiraiya's jaw was touching the floor. "H-he's not human! Just how much was that?!" He shouted, incredulious. After a moment, Shino replied. "Roughly... 180 mililiters." _

_The sannin wasn't expecting an answer to that. So he shut up._

_Back with our other horny couple, (Hahahaha!) Anko choked down all that she could, and looked back at her lover. He was chuckling, still stroking her hair. _

_"Did you get enough?" _

_"Do you even have to ask?" She replied, grinning wickedly. She leaned forward, and took his still-rock-hard length into her mouth once more, sucking out every last drop she could, before pulling back and laying on the bed._

_"Put it in..." She moaned, while pulling her legs up and apart._

_He mounted, and pushed his meat-missile in, eliciting another load moan from the snake-ninja._

_"Damn... Still so tight..." He pushed further in, until he had gotten all 13 inches into her pussy._

_Once more Jiraiya's jaw hit the floor. But this time he turned to Shino and held out his hand, a lecherous grin on his face. Shino handed Jiraiya back his money from earlier._

_While they made a transaction, Anko and Blade had gotten busy. He was pounding away, while she was moaning and groaning every profanity known to her. Within ten minutes, she came again. Hard and loud._

_Jiraiya winced, and Shino's glasses cracked. He took them off and pulled out a replacement pair before Jiraiya could turn and see what his eyes looked like._

_"I knew she was a screamer the moment I met her... Orochimaru's always had a liking for that kinda thing..."_

_During this time, Blade had kept going before he stopped, picked Anko up, turned around, and sat on the edge of the bed. Then he resumed pounding dat ass._

_A good twenty minutes and three positions later, they were in doggy, when Blade growled into her ear, "Where d'ya want it...? Inside or out...?" _

_She moaned, "C-cum inside me... Fill me up...!" _

_"No objections here..." He replied, breathing fast. After another minute or so, he thrusted in hard, pulling her hips back as he did so. _

_"Geeze... He shot so much it's leaking out..." Jiraiya blinked. Then he scribbled furiously in his notebook. Shino actually blinked at what was happening on screen, and made a mental note to ask Blade how he does that later on._

_He was still pumping into her, even as he painted her insides with his jizz. After a solid minute of spewing, he stopped and pulled Anko up and back._

_"You like that...?" She was barely able to reply, but croaked out, "Kami, yes... Do that again..."_

_He nodded, and flipped her over, before starting again._

_"Geeze, they've been going at it for hours!" He looked at the clock._

_"Holy hell! They've been fucking for nine hours straight! What are they, demons?!" Jiraiya was amazed by both ninja's stamina. Especially Blade's, as he's ejaculated at least ten times. He's lost count. But it never went down in volume. In fact, it looked like he was shooting even more with the last two shots._

_Beyond that, his erection never went down the entire time. That alone was an amazing feat, and the old pervert was shocked that he kept going. He was like Naruto was at training._

_They'd been going at it for ages. Blade looked up at Anko, (She was riding him cowgirl style) and smiled under his mask. She was the only girl he'd found that could keep up with his sex drive, and nearly tire him out. Nearly. He still put her to bed unconscience and completely mindfucked every other night. _

_She was still going, even though her eyes were glassy looking right about now. After another fifteen minutes, he felt his umpteenth orgasm approaching. He grabbed her hips and pulled her down as he thrusted up, and shot his load directly into her womb._

_She collapsed forward, lying against his chest, panting. When she looked up at him, she could tell he was smiling. But she still reached up, and pulled down his mask, before leaning up and kissing him, their tongues engaged in their own war._

_"Not only does he fuck like a demon, but he has the same attractive looks as Kakashi!What the fuck?!" Now, Jiraiya was freaking out. Even marred by the scar across his cheek, the man was male-model material. He looked... Somewhat similar to the ever-late jounin, but there was something different. His eyes, perhaps._

_Shino noted the similarities immediately, and wondered if the man was related to the broom-headed ninja. At least he had a better hairstyle._

_The lovers then fell asleep in each other's arms, Blade's dick still inside Anko up to the hilt. She insisted that she enjoyed the feeling of his going soft inside her, and liked feeling full. So he left it inside, the warm wet feeling engulfing his cock. Neither of them knew that their actions would soon become the inspiration for one of Jiraiya's dirty books._

_The two perverts kept watching as the sated couple fell asleep, still connected by their naughty bits. Jiraiya made a few more notes, as Shino recalled his insects. Both of them went their seperate ways, promising more and better material in the near future._

Well, that was it. The two lovebirds fucked like demons, and I retold the events in one of my books. Now, I am telling the full story of their screwing, including how I first met the man, as well as the amazing jutsu he taught me that day. I kinda feel bad for telling his story to the world, but oh well.

Anyway, my next tale was something that most people don't know actually happened. When team 7, that means Naruto,(My student) Sakura,(Pinkie) Yamato,(Wood guy) and the wierd guy Sai,(Dickless) went to capture sasori's spy, I tagged along behind them. I never revealed myself, seeing as I was only there to save their asses if they got in too deep. Fortunately, I never had to save them.

It was just after they reached Orochimaru's base. They all entered, and searched for Sai. They found him, then split into pairs. However... Sakura got seperated from Yamato, and she went searching for Sasuke on her own.

_Flashback no jutsu!_

_While Sakura creeped through the hallways, I decided to follow her, since the others could handle themselves. She was the most likely to play danger-prone daphne on this mission._

_It was a good ten minutes of tense sneaking, and I was tempted to creep up behind her and shout "Boo!" But I didn't want to die just yet. She had been taught by Tsunade, after all. Well, anyway, we'd been moving for roughly fifteen minutes, when I sensed a dark (Dirty) chakra. She sensed it five minutes later. _

_Then rushed to its source. Reaching the door, she put her ear to it. Then opened it silently, and I was hard-pressed to get inside before she shut it. There was someone lying on a bed, not ten feet from us. _

_Their back was to us, but I had a feeling I knew who it was. I was proven within a few moments._

_Sakura creeped closer, and got within two feet of the sleeping Uchiha when he said, "You know, Sakura, for a ninja, you're not very stealthy." He sat up, Sakura freezing where she stood. _

_'Hmm... Pale skin, dark eyes, hair like a duck's ass? Yeah, this was Sasuke Uchiha. Condescending prick.'_

_Sakura stood her ground. "Doesn't matter. I'm taking you back to the village. One way or another." _

_The prick Uchiha smirked. "And what makes you think you can?" Definately a condescending prick. I wanted to smack the smug look off his face._

_Sakura smirked herself. "This." She stepped forward, reaching into her shirt. The brunette twitched, ready to kill her where she stood before she could draw whatever weapon she was about to pull, when..._

_Sakura tore her shirt open, flashing her tits at Sasuke. He blanched, shocked and completely thrown for a loop. There was a precious two seconds where he was stunned by such a display, and the pink-haired kunoichi took full advantage of it. She grabbed his head and smooshed his face between her tits, holding him there._

_Before he could react, she raised her fist, and clocked him smartly on the back of his head, knocking him out cold._

_..._

_When sasuke woke up, he was tied to the bed with... Iron chains. Really? Ropes weren't enough? However... Within a few seconds, the emo noticed the other important part of the situation. He was naked._

_When duck-ass tilted his head up to see what was going on, he saw sakura standing at the foot of his bed, undressing. _

_"What the hell are you doing?" He asked, in an annoyed, commanding tone._

_"What I should have done to you years ago." The pinkette replied, with a neutral one._

_As she finished stripping, she looked back at him. "Don't bother trying to channel chakra. That's what those seals on your chest are for." _

_Sasuke blinked. Then looked at the symbols drawn on his pectorals. He laid his head back and went with his traditional response to something that annoyed him._

_"Hn."_

_Right about now, I was silently cackling. It was about time that ungrateful emo brat was taught a lesson the hard way. I was only wishing that it was Anko or Tsunade here teaching it. Regardless, I readied my pad and pen for whatever was about to unfold... And boy, am I glad I did._

_Sakura climbed onto the bed, towering over the prostrate Uchiha. He forced himself not to look at the naked woman above him, but his cheeks still turned a slight pink color. Personally, I was amazed he hadn't gotten a boner or a nosebleed by now._

_"You're going to enjoy this whether you like it or not. And we're not stopping until you've forgotten your own name." She reached down, and grabbed the mostly-limp prick. Sasuke's eye twitched, but he said nothing._

_She began stroking it, slowly and sensually. Within a minute, he had a raging hard-on, and his cheeks were tinted scarlet. I figured this was the first time in years he'd even had an erection, let alone used it. I wondered just how long he'd last with Sakura rubbing his wood even faster._

_Well, not very long, I found out. Sakura hadn't slowed down, and she kept stroking the emo's dick for a solid six minutes. Then he popped._

_"Ngh..." His cock twitched, and then a single sope of seed shot out and cup, before arching down and landing..._

_...Smack dab on the emo bastard's face. It covered his left eye, and he would be lucky if he didn't get any in it. _

_Just as the first spurt cleared his mushroom-canon, Sakura's eye twitched. Then her hand clamped down on his tool, and Sasuke yelped. _

_"What, you came already? We haven't even started, you quick-shot!" She was pissed. And the fact that she had tsunade's strength... I didn't envy the emo prick, I'll tell you that. From the painful shade of purple the head of his cock was turning, she had him in a vice-like grip. _

_After forty seconds of so, his man-root stopped twitching, and Sakura slid herself forward, then turned around and got on all fours. _

_She backed her rear until she was 69'ing him, and sat her crotch right on his face. _

_"Lick me, or I'm going to bite it off." She nipped the tip of his cock to emphasize her point. He "Eep'd" like a little bitch, then got to work eating her out, while she started to sensually suck the head of his penis. _

_Which, wasn't all that impressive. Naruto was bigger during his sleeping escapade with Hinata then Sasuke is now. Eh, around six and a half to seven inches, being generous, of course. Sasuke may have the emo-boy model looks and a good body, but Naruto has the same body with nearly double his penile size. _

_Beyond that, the blond boy had a personality that was worth a damn, at least. I was amazed Sakura was still after this dumbass, considering she had to've seen Naruto's schlong more than once. Eh, some people never learn..._

_Speaking of which, Sakura kept on suckling the guy's mushroom, while he was still struggling to eat out the girl without suffocating. She was grinding her kitty against his face pretty damn hard._

_Well, this kept on for another ten minutes, or so. Then Sasuke said, "Ugh... I'm cumming..." _

_Well, the entire time, Sakura never eased up her grip on his dick, which was probably a good thing. He didn't have my or Naruto's stamina, and I got the feeling he's a one-and-done kinda guy. Combine that with being a premature ejaculator, and I'm fairly sure there's no one in his old fan-club who'd really want to stay with him... Well, except this pink-haired bitch, of course._

_She still sucked him, even while he was jizzing. But he never shot out a drop, I'd wager, judging from the pained expression he wore. Well, after he stopped convulsing, she got off his face and turned around, straddling his hips._

_"Hmph. You're a real premature ejaculator, alright. You came twice and you haven't even gotten me off once! Kakashi-sensei must be laughing his ass off at your ineptness."_

_Right about now, a certain cycloptic jounin sneezed, as he read his coveted smut._

_'Someone must be talking about me...' He thought, as he turned the page. _

_'...And I doubt it's anything flattering.' he finished this with a giggle, at reading a line in his book about a traitorous shinobi being tied down and fucked into submission by an angry, sex-deprived kunoichi. He doubted any man alive could survive such an onslaught... Except Naruto or Jiraiya, of course. Maybe Guy, as well._

_I had to work very hard not to sneeze at this point, desperate not to give my presence away. Anyway, Sakura lowered herself onto Sasuke's bruised shaft, before slamming all the way down and letting out a soft moan. She bounced up and down on his rod for fifteen seconds, but then..._

_"Augh...! I'm-!" The rest of his statement was garbled, but I took it to be some sort of plea for mercy, as he started spurting inside the kunoichi currently still riding him. She never slowed down, but gave him a look that could freeze flame itself. _

_"You came again?! Already?! Don't think that means I'm letting you go! We're gonna keep fucking until I'M satisfied!" I don't think he understood, since he was squirming around and still emitting the sound of a fox caught in a bear trap, as it tries to knaw itss own leg off. Something like, "Auhooeeaullaugh!" ...Yeah, it must've hurt. _

_But, regardless, she kept going. Two minutes of fucking right through his orgasm, he did it again. This time, he bucked his hips and his eyes rolled back, but Sakura slapped the shit out of him, saying, "You are NOT passing out on me! Conscience or not, I am going to fuck you into a coma, you emo bastard!" _

_Well, that settles it. I am writing my next book beginning with this scene. Anyway, she kept fucking him. After another fifteen minutes and two more of Sasuke's ejaculations, Sakura came. Hard. And loud._

_"Ah, ahh... AHHHHHHHHHHNNN!" Dear god, my ears are bleeding! I knew she was a screamer, but sweet kami... I think she might even give Anko a run for her money!_

_Right then, said snake jounin was currently underneath a table at a restaurant, and stopped what she was doing. Then she sneezed._

_"Ack, owch! Careful when you're doing that! You nearly bit my dick off!" Blade whispered furiously, having doubled over slightly when the woman sucking him off had sneezed and accidentally chomped down on his schlong._

_"Thowy. Lemmeh makeh dat up fo yuh..." And she continued sucking his dick softly, carefully angling herself so no one could see her under the table. _

_'Agh... How do I get myself into these messes...' He thought to himself, as he noticed a certain shy girl's white eyes widen, before she took off away from the eating establishment, her face as red as a slapped white ass. (Thanks to Hyuugamistress94 for that line. Genius!)_

_And well, back to their debauchery, Sasuke wasn't doing so good. His cheeks were sallow, and he looked emaciated. He didn't have many more shots left in him. But Sakura wasn't going to get off his battered shaft until he was shooting nothing but blood. Then she was going to jerk him off once more for old time's sake, before sedating him and drag his sorry emo ass back to Konoha, to make him her bitch. _

_Well, the emo prettyboy did well lasting as long as he had. 12 ejaculations is pretty good, considering. He was gonna feel like death tomorrow, though. And his testicles will never be the same again. (She'd punched them pretty hard when he wouldn't stop begging her to get off his cock, saying he couldn't cum anymore. Upon impact, he proved he was lying, since he jizzed right then and there. I felt sorry for him)_

_Well, that was that. 13 ejaculations in under four hours. His last two shots were little more than blood, and she had semen and a bit of blood leaking out of herself. She corrected that with a pad and by redressing. Then she stuck a needle into the already sleeping Sasuke's neck, then untied the chains and retied them the moment she had him off the bed. He wasn't going anywhere._

_But she neglected to dress him, and carried him out on her shoulder, a lot more pep in her step than when she'd walked in. (Except for the fact that she was waddling like a penguin. It was kinda funny)_

_Well, she regrouped with the others, who gaped at seeing her with a naked but chained up Uchiha over her shoulder. Then they all skedaddled out of Orochimaru's hideout and ran back to Konoha as fast as they could._

_When they arrived, they were greeted with stares. Mostly at the pink-haired med nin that was waddling and carrying a tied-up naked male model-looking guy. _

_When they gave their report to my teammate, Tsunade was worried that Sasuke would try to kill his way out. Sakura assured her that the emo would never try anything like that, so long as she was nearby._

_This was proven ten days later, when sasuke finally woke up._

_'Ugh... Where am I...?' He looked up, he looked left, and saw something blurry. It moved towards him..._

_"Hi, Sasuke. How are you feeling, today?" It was Sakura, wearing a cheery smile and... _

_A slutty, sexy nurse outfit. One that shows too much cleavage, and more than half her ass. Sasuke freaked. _

_"No! NO! No more! I give up! I'll do whatever you say! Just stay away from me!" He tried to get up, only for her to shove him back down onto the bed, and strapped his arms down with leather restraints. _

_"Now, now, Sasuke. Don't you worry one bit. I'm here to make sure you get better. Now let me see your 'little man...' And we'll pick up right where we left off... "_

_The screams of a man in pure, unadulterated agony could be heard throughout the village, and most every man within earshot flinched, before crossing their legs and agjusting their junk. Even Ibiki, the legendary sadist and masochist, coughed and adjusted his genitals, before opting to now wear a cup at all times._

_A certain man of the Inuzuka clan's eyes widened, and he ducked down before looking left, then right, then dashing off to make sure his wife didn't find him. _

_At that time, Tsume Inuzuka started to get wet, and decided now was a good time for mating season. With glee and an evil grin, she ran off, searching for her quarry..._

Hahahahahahahahahahaha! Now that's funny! I'd hate to be that emo duck-ass now! She'll never let him go, and he's never going to be able to sleep at night. If he goes impotent before he's forty, I won't be surprised. I wonder how he's going to act around his new 'girlfriend' when she's not riding him, or threatening to castrate him?

Maybe he'll be like Shikamaru is around Temari...? Or perhaps myself with Tsunade... err, I'd rather not go there. We just might find out next time.

And I'm deeply sorry for not updating this for as long as I have, but I've been preoccupied with WD, and I'm finally, nearly, almost fucking done with the Nightmare arc.

When that's done and over with, End of Days should be pretty simple, then Rescuers should be fairly easy. (I have RE4, and it was the one that I loved and replayed more than any other. It will also be the one that NO ONE should skip, as it will be hi-fucking-larious, I garuntee. Thanks again, y'all. I do it for the views! Have a good one, out)


	5. Chapter 5 Team Guy's Troubles

**The Great Adventures of Jiraiya**

**Icha Icha Post-Mortem**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. As the legendary sannin, I will voice my opinions and comments. Feel free to laugh as you will, and please share my hilariously witty one-liners. Just make sure the people you share them with BUY the book! I wrote it from the grave so please be nice enough to fulfill my last wish... Buy as many of my books as you can! Their value will only go up after my demise!

**This is, of course, a collection of lemons and funny tales. All of them are rated M, so do not go further if you are offended by such content, or if you do not like Naruto. If this is the case, then leave. Now. Get the hell out, you bigot bastards! This is real literature!**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

As I wandered around the village, seeing the sights, as it were, I found myself drawn towards the sound of battle, from one of the training grounds.

I made my way over, and discreetly observed the procedings. There were several of the Konoha eleven, the rookies of Naruto's generation. Several of them were sparring in a large team-styled melee, fighting to incapacitate. Of them, one caught my eye...

Hm... a hot young brunette... What was her name again? Tenten? Well, she was quite the seductress way back when... I still feel sorry for those three.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_Flashback no jutsu!_

_So here I was, spying on the local womens' onsen in Konoha... When suddenly, I shot straight up, feeling like someone was tickling my happy-sack with an ice cube._

_"Pervert senses... Tingling..." And so I turned, before shunshining up and away, but not before leaving a shadow clone to watch over the bathing beauties. Hey, a man has his priorities._

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_It took me seventeen seconds to find the source of such great debauchery, and when I found it... Boy was I surprised. There, among the trees, was a certain bun-headed girl on her knees between two young men, one wearing a horrendous green jumpsuit, the other wearing a white robe with a burgandy... Thing, around his waist that hung to his knees. Both of them were standing there, hands in pockets, with huge grins plastered to their faces. The girl was rifling through their zippers, searching for her favorite type of sausage..._

_A moment later, I was close enough to hear what they were saying. _

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"...Geeze, you're both so big... Lee-kun, how the hell do you hide this thing while wearing spandex?" The bowl-cut one grinned even wider, before giving a very dirty bit of TMI._

_"That's a trade secret, and something that Guy-sensei showed me how to do." Oh, dear sweet kami that was funny. Both of his teammates gave him looks._

_"...That is something I would really have rather not learned, although it does expain some things..." Neji was now giving Lee a funny look, both understanding, sympathetic, and like he would rather be far, far away from him._

_"Holy- I never would have thought guy-sensei would be interested in young boys... I thought that was Orochimaru's gig. Oh Lee-kun, you poor boy... Let me wash away all the bad memories." And so, having freed his sizable schlong, went down on it, taking half of his eight inches on her first go._

_"Huh? What're you talking abou- Ooooh...Ohh... Yeah.. Right there, Tenten-chan... " His cheeks reddened, eyes glazed, and knees shook. I took it that this was his first time recieving head, but... I had no clue if he'd ever given it before... Guy was... Funny, but not in a ha-ha kinda way. I made a mental note to check on that with Inoichi later on._

_After fourty seconds, the teenage Hyuuga was looking rather irate. "...I'm still here, Tenten. You made a bet with both of us, rememer?" Said weapons mistress released Lee's cock with an audible *Pop!* and turned right, giving Neji's meat a lick. As he shuddered, she giggled and took him into her mouth, sucking him down to the root, all seven inches disappearing past her lips._

_"Ohh... Kami, you're skilled Tenten. Did you practice doing this before?" He asked an honest question, having lost his tact the moment his balls touched her chin. I expected her to bite him for saying such, but no, she answered. Well.. Twice, since the first time she said it with his cock still tickling her uvula, where he visibly shuddered, his knees bumping into each other._

_"*Pop!* Yea, actually... It was with-" She suddenly pulled up short, gulping. Both boys shared a look as she started stroking them both, before they looked at her and asked._

_"...Tenten, just who was it you practiced this with?" _

_"Yes, Tenten-chan, who? We won't think differently of you, we're just curious." ever tactful, Lee was very good about choosing his words. Extremely polite, too. _

_"...Um...It was with... __Naruto...__" She mumbled that last bit, her cheeks burning something fierce._

_"...What was that?" _

_"..I said I did it with Naruto. Naruto!" _

_Both boys blanched. "Naruto?!" _

_"...Yeah... I overheard Hinata gushing to herself about his... Thing, and I went to find out myself.. And one thing lead to another and I asked him if I could practice with him... C'mon, don't tell Hinata! She'll be crushed! Then she'll kill me!" Neji looked like he was about to throw up, whereas Lee looked proud. Damn proud. _

_"Aha! So Naruto truly does have a way with women! Well, he deserves some happiness in his life. I will never betray your trust, and I hope the two of them will be happy together!" ...Of course, Lee is still very over-enthusiastic..._

_...Neji still looked like he was about to puke._

_Suddenly... I felt a presense approaching. I readied myself to face whatever distraction was coming, to prevent whatever it was from disturbing my latest research..._

_Then, someone burst through the trees, landing less than twenty feet from the three ninjas._

_"Ahh! Sensei!" _

_"MY STUDENTS! IT DOES MY HEART GOOD TO SEE YOUNG PEOPLE BASKING IN THE FIRES OF YOUTH! I SHALL JOIN IN YOUR MORALE-BUILDING EXERCISE!" He started walking towards the three, who all looked like they were going to collectively shit themselves... Except Lee, who only looked mildly scarred for life. _

_Even from twenty feet, those three could see the massive erection Guy was sporting, its effect tripled by the spandex he was wearing, with a small stain at the tip. The three teens jumped up, and sprinted in the opposite direction, running as far away from their perverted pedo-sensei as they could._

_... Never before in my life, have I ever seen two men run so fast with a boner while wearing spandex, especially not when it was sticking out of their pants and wagging back and forth._

_FLASHBACK END_

... Well, that was great comic relief, as I haven't laughed that hard in a long time.


	6. Chapter 6 Kakashi's Mishaps

**The Great Adventures of Jiraiya**

**Icha Icha Post-Mortem**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. As the legendary sannin, I will voice my opinions and comments. Feel free to laugh as you will, and please share my hilariously witty one-liners. Just make sure the people you share them with BUY the book! I wrote it from the grave so please be nice enough to fulfill my last wish... Buy as many of my books as you can! Their value will only go up after my demise!

**This is, of course, a collection of lemons and funny tales. All of them are rated M, so do not go further if you are offended by such content, or if you do not like Naruto. If this is the case, then leave. Now. Get the hell out, you bigot bastards! This is real literature! My own little orange book!**

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Kakashi once told me the horrors of Itachi Uchiha's mangekyo... To a rather comical effect.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_Flashback no Jutsu!_

_Kakashi Hatake stood there, facing off against two members of Akatsuki. He even had cannon fodder at his back, if need be. Normally, this would have been over in a blink, with my superior skills and abilities.. Even with those closet lovers dragging me down._

_I already warned them against Itach's eyes, so they were on their own for now. I just had to get close and rely on my sharingan to avoid being caught in his genjutsu..._

_**'Too late.'**_

_...Fuck me. My vision swirled, and I found myself tied to a crucifix. "Geeze... I get where this is going." All around me, stood several hundred Itachi's, all of them holding..._

_...Something that looked vaguely batton/mushroom-ish. I couldn't really tell with how the color was fucked up in this wierd illusion._

_"So this is the best you can do? A gensutsu that ties me to a stake? Pff, Anko does worse than this for foreplay..." _

_...Suddenly, Itachi grinned... A creepy, chill-inducing sight. _

_"__**Does she, now...? I wonder... Does she, too, enjoy doing this to you...?**__" _

_One of them moved closer, and started undoing my belt. _

_"..What the hell are you doing?"_

_"__**Just as you asked...**__"_

_I suddenly had a creeping suspicion that I was about to be brutally tortured... _

_I then took noticed of just what Itachi had in his hand..._

_...A fourteen-inch, horse-sized dildo... The same kind that Anko had set up in her bedroom... _

_...It dawned on me.. Just what Itachi was going to do... And he had no lube._

_"__**...Now he gets it... Let's get started, shall we? I did learn a few things from Orochimaru...**__" From under his coat, we can see Itachi's pants fall around his ankles._

_"NOOOOOOOOO!" _

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_...When Kakashi came to, he collapsed, barely able to keep himself on the water's surface..._

_"You.. Sick.. Motherfucker..."_

_...And then, gratefully, he passed out..._

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"__**Hiiii!**__" ...And found himself face-to-face with Itachi again. Naked. _

_"NOOOOOOOOOO!"_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_End Flashback!_

...For weeks, Kakashi had nightmares. He fucked himself raw with many, many women trying to erase those images from his head. I don't think he ever really succeeded... But he did set a record for fathering the most children in a single year. They offered him a free vasectomy.

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**...Alright, I'm sorry, but that's all I've got. I hope you found it funny, and I'm sorry I haven't updated this as I should have. Been busy. I'm still working hard on WD, CL, and LW. Plus my Avatar fic, which is still in development. May the literature be with you! -Author**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_**Now, my opinion on pairings... Okay, no way in hell will I have Naruto and Sakura. She abused the fuck outta him, and I won't have an abusive relationship. I'm not into that kinda thing. Give him time, and he'll realise that he shouldn't be with someone who will beat him on a daily basis. Besides... Naruto loves big titties! (And according to a hilarious fanfic, Sakura is chairman of the Itty-Bitty Titty Committee. Try saying that ten times fast!) ...I'll be going through my list and trying to find the source of that line.**_

_**For pinky, it boils down between the emo duckbutt and Lee. I don't know which one would succeed... Unless things are changed during their childhood, I doubt Sasuke would date one of his former fangirls. Maybe he'd develop a thing for Karin... Or become one of her test subjects. Oooh, new story idea... Heheheheheheh...**_

_**For Tenten... Okay, I dunno. It's a toss-up between Lee and Neji, but with their competing, she's likely to go for Naruto just to piss them off. And because of his insane stamina and loyal personality. However, she's aware of Hinata's feelings, and I doubt she'd try to ruin her friend's happiness.**_

_**For Ino... Fuck if I know. Shikamaru or Choji. Perhaps Sai... Kiba? Eh. I dunno. **_

_**Temari's definately into Shikamaru. Mostly because he perplexes her, and she would want to learn more about him. Nara men always seem to end up with a tsundere woman. Then again... Troublesome... Mendokuse...**_

_**Hanabi? No. Not until she's older. I ain't no damn lolicon. 'Nuff said.**_

_**Anko? Not really a one-man kinda woman. Except when the guy is hung like a horse, and has more stamina than Naruto. (A certain white-haired, time-traveling shinobi just sneezed)**_

_**And Tsunade... She's too old to be fucking around with those kids! Leave her for Jiraiya or Kakashi. **_

_**Kurenai has Asuma. Not much more to be said. **_

_**Konan had a thing for Yahiko or Nagato, so I dunno. Nagato wound up grey and shrivveled up somehow... Papercut! (Ahahahahahahahahaha!)**_

_**Tsume Inuzuka (Kiba's mother) scares off most suitors, and I heard she wears her former husband's testicles around her neck as a good-luck charm.**_

_**Hana Inuzuke (Kiba's sister) Has three dogs to take care of (her. Hahahahaha! If you get that, kudos for you) I don't know. She might make a pass at one of the Konoha Eleven. Or Ebisu. Not sure.**_

_**Yuugao (Purple-haired Anbu woman. She was Hayate's girlfriend. Hayate was the sword-wielding instructor in the preliminaries for the chuunin exams. The guy who was always coughing) still mourns Hayate, but she might go for Kakashi someday. Or Iruka, perhaps.**_

_**Aha... Mei Terumi. She might just try to swipe Naruto out from under Hinata. But I get the feeling she and Choujiro are a little... More than close. Or she's secretly like Anko, and really would try to seduce everyone's favorite knucklehead ninja.**_

_**Beyond all those, I dunno.**_

_**Nothing further. Carry on!**_


	7. Chp 7 My own Misfortune and Dumb Luck

**The Great Adventures of Jiraiya**

**Icha Icha Post-Mortem**

My standard form of writing applies.

" " - Spoken

' ' - Thought

( ) - Commentary. As the legendary sannin, I will voice my opinions and comments. Feel free to laugh as you will, and please share my hilariously witty one-liners. Just make sure the people you share them with BUY the book! I wrote it from the grave so please be nice enough to fulfill my last wish... Buy as many of my books as you can! Their value will only go up after my demise!

**This is, of course, a collection of lemons and funny tales. All of them are rated M, so do not go further if you are offended by such content, or if you do not like Naruto. If this is the case, then leave. Now. Get the hell out, you bigot bastards! This is real literature! My own little orange book!**

_**I'm back again! I won't be updating this as frequently as Waking Death or Tales of a Living Weapon, but I'll still update it. Every once in a blue moon.**_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

Here in the afterlife, I ran into some real characters. One of which, was Zabuza Momochi. Nice guy, when all's said and done, but not someone you'd invite to parties. And one of the stranger things I found out, was that he was a virgin.

Yes, at 26, a Jounin nukenin who was a former member of the Seven Swordsmen of the Mist, died a virgin. Oh, I laughed my ass off at him. And then told him what sex is. Which, upon hearing, he dismissed it as nothing important.

...Obviously, a virgin. I noted the cute young girl who followed him around all the time, and I pulled her aside for a little chat. I already knew she was a ninja, seeing as she was here, and was a servant of the big browless wonder.

So I told her how to serve and please her master to the utmost extent!

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_Flashback no Jutsu!_

_The girl, Haku, simply nodded and smiled broadly._

_"With these techniques I can relieve Zabuza-sama's stress and worries? Thank you, Jiraiya-san. I'll put them to good use." _

_...And off she went, in search of her precious person. What a go-getter. I'll have to tag along to ensure she does it right..._

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_I crept along, staying out of sight, following the oddly-matched couple. A hairless bear of a man, and a cute, petit young girl. Wierd. They went off into the woods, to a secluded spot, and I moved close enough to observe while remaining undetected._

_And when the girl started in on her master, I got my perv on._

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"Haku, what is it you wanted to show me?" The big man's gravelly voice grated on the ears, but Haku was used to it now. _

_"I learned something from a wise old man; a way to ease your worries. He said it would also relieve stress, and make our new existance far more enjoyable."_

_"Huh. Well, what is it?" _

_"To start, something called 'felatio,' to relax the muscles." _

_"Felatio...? Some sort of massage?" _

_Haku giggled for a moment. "Something like that."_

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_They conversed for a short while, before the girl moved closer, and started rubbing the big man's chest, before working her way down... Massaging his groin, invoking a strange reaction from him. _

_He took a step back, surprise evident in his features, covered as they were, before the girl moved right up to him and dropped to her knees, tugging Zabuza's pants off as she did so._

_Immediately, his erection came free, and the girl went down on it before the nukenin could react._

_...Oh, the look on his face was priceless. His knees shook, his eyes glazed, and he looked like he was in heaven._

_...Of course, being his first time ever, it didn't last long._

_He grabbed the girl's head and forced her down, grunting as he did so. Judging by the way his entire body seized up and his eyes rolled back, he was cumming. Hard._

_Needless to say, after that, the girl pulled back, coughing, desperately trying to swallow what he'd given her. I had idly started stroking myself, a habit I'd started after dying, since only the dead could now see me, and they didn't care. Hell, a lot of them got off on fucking right in the street in front of people. As I was..._

_Huhuh, she was really dedicated. It rather made up for her lacking in the breast-department. That, and her beautiful face... She could even give Tsunade and Mei Terumi a run for their money. And I mean when my teammate was young, not now. _

_Eugh. Thank Kami for henge._

_Anywho, after that, Haku stood up, gently pushing the man down, so he was lying on the ground. Right about now, I had freed my own penis, and was preparing for another free show'n'fap._

_Then she undid her robe, and let it fall free..._

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

_"I hope you liked it." _

_"Hulhuah... I did. What's next?" He was still panting, still feeling drained, but he was eager to continue._

_Haku undid the robe, letting it fall free. "And now, Zabuza-sama, I'm going to make you feel like the happiest man on earth..."_

_"__**OH SWEET KAMI, MY EYES! OH GOD, NOOOOOO!**__"_

_Both former nukenin turned to see who said that, when they saw a trail of fire, starting at a destroyed pad and pen._

_**~~Badadumdunbum~~**_

...And that, my friends, is how I learned that Haku and Zabuza are both men. Men, who are now in love. Men who are going to be married. And I now have the image of a young, feminine boy giving a burly man a blowjob stuck in my head. And it's my own damn fault.

Fuck.


End file.
